I said I’d focus on my health this month. I’ve kinda stuck to the plan but my eating habits, while healthy, could really stand to be a little more consistent… as in, I should eat more and more often. I’m about 15 pounds down over the last two weeks. It feels good to have some of my smallest clothes fitting again, but I need to eat, and that’s been a struggle due to a case of the sads.
I’m headed to Jamaica two weeks from today and I’m really looking forward to the break. Initially, the chant was “Drink! Smoke! Party! Repeat!” But now it’s more like “Spa! Spa! Spa!” lol. I’m tired y’all. All over, I am tired. Body. Mind. Spirit. Just… tired. BUT it is getting better. Slowly. Over a month ago I got rid of the depression and anxiety meds because when I removed the stimuli of my anxiety, I no longer needed them.
And now I’m probably about done with the sleeping aid, too. The last couple weeks I’ve slept without it. The key to being able to wean off of it has been instituting a strict sleep regimen. One of my Christmas gifts was a sound machine and a variety of herbal sleep teas. (and black diamonds! *fucking grin*) Here’s a sample regimen:
- Turn my phone to Do Not Disturb
- Sit very quietly and have a cup of tea, usually meditating, for about 15 minutes (I sometimes do this in a bubble bath)
- Set sound machine for 30 minutes of rain
- Start reading
I usually don’t even make it through the whole 30 minutes before I’m sleep. One of the trouble areas though is if I wake up in the middle of the night. Waking up around 4AM is one of the most emotionally challenging times for me. When it happens, my loneliness is heightened. If I don’t get back to sleep almost immediately, my mind starts to spin to sadness. I’ve been working on narrowing down a “cure” for that. So far, I know it happens more often if I go to bed before 10. I think my body only wants about 7 hours of sleep, so I’ve been trying to wait until at least 10 before I start winding down, which is hard because, for me, the nights are theeeeee hardest. So, naturally, I try to go to bed early. But that’s an avoidance tactic, and while I believe sometimes you do need to just do your best to not even think about shit and just get to the next day, eventually you have to face shit head on, no matter how much it hurts. I much prefer to do that now than have to revisit all of this later. So I’ve been balancing between avoidance and facing the loneliness head on.
It’s all a work in progress.
I am a work in progress.